Shattering the Vase
There is an African Proverb that says, "Everybody has been young before, but not everybody has been old before." Aging is feared by many. There is a tendency to think of adults over the age of 65 as one group of people that are simply "old". However, I love challenging this misperception. In fact, individuals over 65 are the most heterogeneous group. We are talking about a part of the lifespan that encompasses 45 years of changes in nearly all areas of a person's life. When we look at younger age groups: 0-10 years old, 10-20 years old, 20-30 years old, 30-40 years old, 40-50 years old, 50-60 years old, generally speaking individuals in these age brackets are experiencing similar life events. For example, as a generality (because everyone is different), 20-30 year old's are finding themselves, maybe getting their first job, moving out and learning what independence means. Individuals in their 30's to 40's may be established in their careers, getting married, having children, and perhaps laying down roots where they want to live.
Once someone turns 65 or older it's as if a whole new life emerges. Many face retirement, changes in support systems, caregiving, and chronic health issues. Who am I without this job or career? Children have established their own lives. Who am I without having children at home? Questions about who someone is at their core can surface. They have spent the last 30 to 40 years focused on personal and societal expectations of who they should be and certain obligations that come with the various decades in a lifespan.
When I speak with someone who is 65 or older I share with them about shattering the vase. Life up to this point may seem like a million different pieces. Now is the time when an older adult can embrace this phase of his or her life. You can choose how to rebuild the vase and make the life you want or have always wanted. You get to choose what you like and have permission to stop doing things you don't enjoy doing anymore... this leaves room to bring in new energy and areas of life you said you may enjoy one day. Leave the "should's" off the vase. "I "should" like to cook, I've always had to cook for my family." Is it something you really enjoyed or an activity you did out of obligation? You can change your mind. One year my mom bought me pots and pans as a silent message (okay let's call it for what it is- a passive aggressive message that I should cook, especially if I were going to have a family) that I needed to learn to cook. I truly enjoy cooking when I have a purpose of sharing a meal. But just me- on my own- I hate cooking- I don't cook anything that takes more than 5 minutes. Of recent my mom has shared that she doesn't like to cook anymore. I just nod my head.
For awhile now I have known that when I retire, which may be in my 70's, I want to make art, travel to art festivals, and teach older adults to read. I am grateful everyday for my ability to read. I wouldn't be where I am today if I wasn't able to. My vase has been shattered into a million pieces for many years now- or at least it feels that way. When I rebuild my vase it may either be very simple as a sign of how my life is moving from complicated to quiet or many different colors and textures. However I have plenty of time to decide...and when I get there I may still change my mind.
For you, the older adult who is looking to rebuild your vase now... well... I'll let you finish the sentence.
